BIFF – Practice Makes Perfect

Learning how to communicate with a hostile ex-spouse is key to your long-term mental health.  Bill Eddy describes his “BIFF” methodology below which can be found on  Eddy’s website and in his book entitled “BIFF – Quick Responses to High Conflict People”

Do you need to respond?

Much of hostile e-communication does not need a response. Letters from (ex-) spouses, angry neighbors, irritating co-workers, or attorneys do not usually have legal significance. The letter itself has no power, unless you give it power. Often, it is emotional venting aimed at relieving the writer’s anxiety. If you respond with similar emotions and hostility, you will simply escalate things without satisfaction, and just get a new piece of hostile mail back. In most cases, you are better off not responding. However, some letters and emails develop power when copies are filed in a court or complaint process – or simply get sent to other people. In these cases, it may be important to respond to inaccurate statements with accurate statements of fact. If you need to respond, I recommend a BIFF ResponseSM: Be Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm

BRIEF

Keep your response brief. This will reduce the chances of a prolonged and angry back and forth. The more you write, the more material the other person has to criticize. Keeping it brief signals that you don’t wish to get into a dialogue. Just make your response and end your letter. Don’t take their statements personally and don’t respond with a personal attack. Avoid focusing on comments about the person’s character, such as saying he or she is rude, insensitive or stupid. It just escalates the conflict and keeps it going. You don’t have to defend yourself to someone you disagree with. If your friends still like you, you don’t have to prove anything to those who don’t. 

INFORMATIVE

The main reason to respond to hostile mail is to correct inaccurate statements which might be seen by others. “Just the facts” is a good idea. Focus on the accurate statements you want to make, not on the inaccurate statements the other person made. For example: “Just to clear things up, I was out of town on February 12th, so I would not have been the person who was making loud noises that day.”

Avoid negative comments. Avoid sarcasm. Avoid threats. Avoid personal remarks about the other’s intelligence, ethics or moral behavior. If the other person has a “high conflict personality,” you will have no success in reducing the conflict with personal attacks. While most people can ignore personal attacks or might think harder about what you are saying, high conflict people feel they have no choice but to respond in anger – and keep the conflict going. Personal attacks rarely lead to insight or positive change.

FRIENDLY

While you may be tempted to write in anger, you are more likely to achieve your goals by writing in a friendly manner. Consciously thinking about a friendly response will increase your chances of getting a friendly – or neutral – response in return. If your goal is to end the conflict, then being friendly has the greatest likelihood of success. Don’t give the other person a reason to get defensive and keep responding.

This does not mean that you have to be overly friendly. Just make it sound a little relaxed and non-antagonistic. If appropriate, say you recognize their concerns. Brief comments that show your empathy and respect will generally calm the other person down, even if only for a short time.

FIRM

In a non-threatening way, clearly tell the other person your information or position on an issue. (For example: “That’s all I’m going to say on this issue.”) Be careful not to make comments that invite more discussion, unless you are negotiating an issue or want to keep a dialogue going back and forth. Avoid comments that leave an opening, such as: “I hope you will agree with me that …” This invites the other person to tell you “I don’t agree.”

Mastering the BIFF response will save you hours of mental anguish and turmoil in communication.  Read your response and check that it is BIFF.  If not, tweak it until it meets the above criteria, Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm.

STAY UP TO DATE

Subscribe to our newsletters

 
Subscribe to one or more of our newsletters, delivering meaningful insight on topics that matter to you and your family.
ebl home subscribe image

FURTHER READING

Latest Blog Posts

Learn from an experienced Seattle family law attorney what happens if the marital home is only in your spouse's name during divorce.

Washington family law usually encourages parents to work out differences between themselves without involving the judicial system. Child support modification is different. Informal side agreements, even written agreements, are unenforceable in family court. So, when circumstances change accordingly, as outlined…

Reducing one’s tax obligations is a significant factor in many financial decisions, including those you make as part of your estate planning. When you get far enough into the details of your estate plan, though, you may find that tax…

If you ask those who have survived domestic violence why they stayed in abusive situations as long as they did, it is often not because they did not realize that what was happening to them was abuse. People who have…

Learn from a Seattle family law attorney how to find the right collaborative divorce lawyer for your Washington state divorce.

Learn from an experienced Seattle divorce lawyer about the benefits of collaborative divorce over litigation.

A skilled and experienced Seattle family law attorney describes the differences between collaborative divorce and divorce mediation.

A Seattle estate planning attorney can help guide you about who to choose for key roles in your estate plan.

A prenuptial agreement, or a “prenup,” can help you and your future spouse decide how to handle certain financial issues in your lives before they cause conflict and hurt feelings. This is true even if you believe you would never…

A skilled and experienced Seattle family law attorney describes what happens when negotiations break down in a collaborative divorce.