Have you ever had a conversation with someone — a spouse, someone you’re dating, a business partner — who said something that rubbed you the wrong way? What they told you bothered you so much that you played it over and over again in your head like a broken record because you weren’t a hundred percent sure exactly what they meant by it.
Yes, the words sounded okay when you first heard them and may have even been delivered with a smile and in a soft and kind tone, yet… something about those words felt off for you. Why? Because what they said didn’t communicate that they cared about you, your feelings, or that they had any interest in expressing genuine remorse for something they did or said before. Instead, their words were merely another example of manipulation that occurs in everyday conversation — in other words, gaslighting in disguise.
Being on the receiving end of this kind of communication can make you feel lousy. It can also make you doubt yourself, as gaslighting tends to do, and keep you in a subservient position to someone who doesn’t have your best interests at heart. Designed to make you feel powerless, you can diffuse the power of these words and the gaslighter delivering them by doing the following.
Listen to Your Gut
Your ears may deceive you, but your gut rarely does. If you’re feeling dissatisfied after calling out something someone in your life said or did, and feel that familiar knot in your stomach after, that’s your gut talking to you. Your gut doesn’t lie, and there’s likely a reason for the feeling you’re having. Now it’s time to get to the bottom of it.
Learn the Difference Between Gaslighting and Respectful Phrases
Words have power, and how someone delivers them matters. Specifically, if the person speaking uses language to turn the focus of the conversation away from them and to you or some other external factor instead, there’s a good chance they’re doing so to gaslight you. Here are a few examples of gaslighting versus the way a thought can be delivered respectfully:
Gaslighting
- “I’m sorry if you feel that way.”
- “I guess I’m just a bad [husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, friend, partner, business partner, etc.].”
- “You’re overreacting as usual.”
- “You don’t know how to take a joke.”
- “You’re confused. That’s not what happened.”
Respectful Speech
- “I’m sorry my [words/actions] hurt you. It wasn’t my intention. Can we talk about it?”
- “It sounds like I let you down. I want to understand where I went wrong so I can do better.”
- “I can see this upset you. Can you help me understand what you’re feeling right now?”
- “I didn’t realize that joke hurt you. I didn’t intend it to. I’ll be more thoughtful moving forward.”
- “I remember things differently. Can we go back and talk it through together?”
What’s the difference in all of these examples? Intention and tone. Gaslighting phrases dismiss, deflect, or manipulate, often causing the other person to question their reality or feel ashamed for expressing their emotions.
Respectful communication, on the other hand, requires taking accountability, validating feelings, and promoting open and honest exchanges to resolve conflict. The purpose is to connect rather than control.
Set a Time Limit in Your Mind for The Gaslighter’s Behavior to Change
Some people are not aware of the effect their words can have on others and how different the messaging can be depending on how they construct a sentence. These are the people who will likely be open to change, the people who will take your communications with them about how their words made you feel into consideration for next time.
Then there will be those who, no matter how many times you tell them how you feel, won’t care. Not only do they not care, but they might take your talking back as a signal to double down on their gaslighting so they can regain control of you. If they do so, this should be a sign for you to evaluate the value of your relationship and figure out your next steps.
If you’re unsure if they’re capable of change and want to give them a chance or two (not everyone gets it right the first time or even the second time around), set a time limit for them to do better. But do stick to your cutoff point; should they continue to gaslight you, remove yourself from the situation.
While You’re Waiting, Practice Self-Care to Stay Strong
If you choose to give your partner a chance to mend their ways, don’t just sit around waiting. Gaslighting can eat away at your self-esteem and chip away at your confidence, so you want to take actionable steps toward getting it back.
The best way to do this is to practice self-care by doing whatever makes you feel good about yourself. Healthily speaking, that is. This could include spending time with positive-minded friends, immersing yourself in work, taking on a personal project or hobby, exercising, improving your diet, and speaking with a mental health professional.
It can also mean consulting a legal professional about your options if you choose to end your relationship, either now or in the future. An experienced Seattle family law attorney can help you extricate yourself from someone who’s treating you with disrespect as well as provide guidance about how to build a different, more constructive future by understanding your legal rights.
Talk to a Seattle Family Law Attorney About the Legal Implications of Gaslighting in Relationships and Learn Your Options
The people closest to you should be supportive of you. They should speak to you with respect and listen to you when you communicate about an issue important to you, including how your relationship is impacting your health and well-being.
At Elise Buie Family Law, our team of Seattle family law attorneys has vast experience addressing issues related to relationships, whether that involves leaving a partner or strengthening an existing relationship through guidance and various legal means. We are here to listen and help. Call us today or schedule a time to speak about your situation.
