Bringing up estate planning with your parents might not be high on your list of fun conversations, but it’s one of those things that can save a lot of stress later. The trick is to approach it in a way that feels natural and supportive and not like you’re just asking, “Hey, so who’s going to get your stuff when you’re gone?”
Because parent-child relationships are complex, you want to take care that you are being both respectful and empathetic while covering all your bases so they and all of their intended beneficiaries, including you, are protected in every way possible during life and after they’re gone. With these goals in mind, here’s some guidance on how to talk about estate planning with your parents.
Find the right time.
Estate planning probably isn’t the best dinner conversation. At least, not if you want to keep the mood light. Worse still is doing it in a restaurant, and tensions flare. Due to its sensitive nature, estate planning conversations are best had in private. It’s not unreasonable, due to the personal information being discussed, to worry about someone nearby overhearing.
A more organic and safer approach from an information standpoint could be to tie the subject to something currently relevant, like a recent family event, such as a death, birth, marriage, or divorce, a story in the news, or your own estate planning activities.
Saying something to the effect of, “I just met with an attorney to set up my will, and it got me thinking, do you guys have everything set up the way you want?” Each of these approaches takes the focus off them and makes it a shared discussion rather than an interrogation.
Focus on what matters most to your parents.
Rather than jumping straight into which legal documents comprise an estate plan, ask your parents about their wishes. Do they have specific plans for their home, finances, or sentimental items, like jewelry or other prized collections? What about pets? Are your parents unmarried? Estate planning is not just for married people; it’s for unmarried partners as well.
Have they thought about healthcare decisions if they’re ever unable to speak for themselves? These conversations are really about making things easier for them and for everyone else down the road who will be doing their best to honor their wishes.
Keep the first conversation about estate planning simple and low-key.
The first conversation doesn’t have to cover everything and shouldn’t. Just plan on seeing where your parents are at and if they already have a will or powers of attorney. They may have a comprehensive estate plan that you don’t know about, in which case you can ask them if they would be willing to share more about it, including where these important documents are, in case you need to locate them and they aren’t able to tell you.
Too often, family members are faced with making important decisions but don’t have the access they need, whether to bank accounts or to instructions as to a person’s wishes. In terms of incapacitation or death, many decisions must be made in a timely manner, and knowing where documents are kept is crucial.
Should your parents tell you they already have an estate plan, ask them when they created it. Many times, people create an estate plan and never look at it again. Estate plans, however, are not set-it-and-forget-it documents. It’s a good rule of thumb to review an estate plan every three to five years or whenever there’s a life passage that could affect decision-making.
If your parents haven’t thought about their estate plan much, that’s OK. You can suggest small steps, like making a list of their accounts or considering who they’d want to handle things if they ever needed help. There are numerous estate planning roles to consider, from a will’s executor to someone with powers of attorney for finances and healthcare (they need not be the same person), trustees, and guardians.
Acknowledge the emotional side of estate planning
Estate planning isn’t just for preparing paperwork. Estate planning is a carefully thought-out process designed to get the creator ready for inevitable life changes and, ultimately, death. Not surprisingly, this can bring up a mix of emotions.
Some parents might avoid the topic because it makes them think about getting older and their own mortality. Others might worry about how their choices will affect the family. Letting them know you’re not interested in rushing them into anything but, instead, making sure their wishes are clear so there’s no confusion later can help lower their anxiety and keep their negative thoughts in check.
It can also help to explain the feelings of peace that can come with creating an estate plan. Knowing their affairs are in order, that everything they’ve worked so hard to build in their lives is protected and will be utilized as they intend when the time comes, can actually bring a sense of happiness and contentment to them.
Keep the door open to future estate planning conversations.
This isn’t a one-time talk. The subject of estate planning is an ongoing conversation that may happen in small bites over time. But not too much time because you want to get it done, i.e., documents drafted and signed. Estate planning documents don’t do much good if they’re drafted but never executed, something that’s, unfortunately, not unheard of.
What matters is starting somewhere. Let your parents know you’re here to help however they need, and when they’re ready, you can direct them to the right professionals to guide the process. And that the hardest part — having the first conversation about estate planning — they’ve now gotten out of the way.
Find a Washington state estate planning lawyer.
Estate planning begins with information gathering and understanding clients’ individual needs. At Elise Buie Family Law, our team of estate planning lawyers has extensive experience creating comprehensive estate planning documents for individuals with estates ranging from the simple to the complex.
Regardless, our approach is the same: patient and caring. We are here to listen, educate, and create an estate plan that brings peace to you and everyone you care about. Call us today or schedule a time to speak.
