Divorce can bring out the worst in people, causing them to treat one another unkindly (euphemism). This behavior doesn’t do a lot for one’s self-esteem, including if you’re the one who’s been hurling insults because your spouse (who may also be a narcissist) has repeatedly provoked you to your breaking point, what’s known as reactive abuse. When your self-worth is diminished, whether because you’re continually being blamed or you are behaving uncharacteristically and it’s causing you pain, you can become a colossal asshole — to yourself. Such behavior can harm your healing journey, so it’s best to face it head-on. With this in mind, here are a few ideas from a Seattle family law attorney to demonstrate self-love during divorce and change the narrative you’ve been telling yourself.
Stop replaying the greatest hits of your mistakes in your mind.
Obsessing over past actions is a terrible way to live. Not only does it keep you rooted in the past, but it also methodically erodes your presence, leaving you stuck. This is what it means to ruminate.
Instead, try shifting your focus to growth and healing, making yourself a priority. The best way to accomplish this is by caring for your mind.
So, first things first: Find a reputable mental health professional, such as a therapist specializing in divorce and, if necessary, a psychiatrist who can prescribe medication. Both can help you address the repetitive negative thoughts that are holding you back.
Prioritize your physical health.
The mind and body are inextricably connected. Though mental health is a big piece of the self-care puzzle, so is taking care of your body. If you haven’t focused on your physical health lately, start by making a few minor tweaks to your lifestyle.
Eating nutrient-dense foods quite literally feeds your brain. So does getting enough sleep and staying hydrated. You’d be surprised how life-altering walking in nature or even around your neighborhood for 10 minutes three times a day can be. If you are having trouble getting started or sticking with a plan, consider picking a friend to be your accountability partner.
Surround yourself with positive-minded people.
This doesn’t mean people who will enable you but, instead, people who will support you by cheering you on and providing constructive criticism and sound advice when you ask for it, and even sometimes when you don’t. Most of all, though, they should be good listeners.
Anyone who’s negative and, as a result, fueling a self-destructive movie reel in your head is ripe for walking papers. Don’t be afraid to dole those out. They may not like it, but divorce is the time when self-love has to become a non-negotiable.
Give yourself the same compassion you’d show a friend.
After going through the above exercise, what should be left in your life are a handful of good friends. What would you say to them if they were behaving like an asshole to themselves? You would probably tell them to knock it off.
To help you do this, pick and choose a phrase from the following list whenever you catch yourself exhibiting a lack of compassion for yourself and your situation:
- Their behavior says more about them than it does about me.
- They have a right to feel as they do and react as they will, as long as it doesn’t result in the emotional, verbal, or physical abuse of me.
- I need to take ownership of my reactions and, if necessary, become more measured in my communication with them.
- I must accept what is within my control and what is outside of it. I am in control of myself; they do not control me, and I cannot control them.
- I’m learning and growing from these experiences, even though I may not see it right now.
- I am worthy of being loved, happy, and treated well.
- I am loved.
- I love myself.
- I forgive myself for my mistakes. I was doing the best I could at the time.
- I am powerful.
- My divorce doesn’t define me.
Though the words may differ, the message is the same: You have the power to release your pain and reclaim your self-worth.
Rewrite the story you’re telling yourself by empowering yourself with support from a Seattle family law attorney.
During a divorce, it’s important to do everything you can to focus your strength in the right direction — toward the divorce process and toward a stable future. The latter can’t happen without resilience. Resilience comes from challenging false beliefs, embracing forgiveness for yourself as much as others, and starting to write a healthier next chapter.
At Elise Buie Family Law, we place a strong emphasis on self-care. Because we practice it in our own personal and professional lives, we are well-positioned to help you regain your sense of self-worth so you can start taking care of yourself in the way you deserve.
From legal guidance to teaching you the skills through educational resources we’ve created so you can build the post-divorce life you envision, we are here to support you at any stage of the divorce process, including thinking about it and long after. Call us at our Seattle office or schedule a time to talk here.
