Co-parenting with a narcissist may be one of the biggest challenges you, as a divorced parent, will ever have to face in a Washington state divorce, and it’s usually during the divorce process when you’ll first get a taste of what’s to come. Typical behaviors from a narcissist include manipulation, a flagrant disregard for boundaries and rules, and bullying, the result of which is often chaos for you and your child. Make no mistake, the three-ring circus a narcissist takes joy in creating is by design. Their goal is to control you, the child you share, and the narrative around your situation.
Though standing up to a narcissist during a divorce, especially one you’re trying to co-parent with and tied to through your child for the foreseeable future, might feel futile, Washington law can provide you with respite and relief. By keeping your Seattle family law attorney informed about what tactics your child’s other parent is up to, they can decide whether to implement the following in your case.
A Washington Court-Ordered Parenting Plan
A clear and thorough court-ordered parenting plan in Washington will leave little room for interpretation, which a narcissist thrives on to confuse you and make you question everything, even your sanity. Based on your family’s circumstances, it should specify:
- Detailed arrangements related to school pick-up and drop-off locations and times
- Vacation schedules
- Who has decision-making authority for the child on major issues
- If joint decision making is required, a designated process for resolving disagreements
- Possible direction to use parenting apps (more below)
- Anything else the court determines would be necessary and in the child’s best interests
The last point refers to the “best interests of the child” standard by which judges make decisions.
Court-Approved Co-Parenting Apps for Co-Parenting With a Narcissist
Communication tools, such as OurFamilyWizard, can create distance between you and the other parent while contemporaneously keeping a written record of interactions communicated via the app. These tools are effective in setting boundaries. Using an app to communicate can limit a narcissist’s ability to verbally abuse and gaslight you, and keep communications limited to logistics.
Unfortunately, narcissists often lack the ability to self-regulate. They are frequently oblivious to how their communications and actions are perceived by others. And they aren’t always good at following the rules, even those set by a judge, in which case you can turn to a …
Contempt Order in Washington State
Should your co-parent decide to ignore the court-ordered parenting plan, you can file a motion requesting the court find the other parent “in contempt.” The court takes such requests seriously.
A parent’s disobedience of a parenting plan is considered disobedience of the court’s directives, not the other parent’s. If a parent is found in contempt (determined by the court to have disobeyed a parenting plan in bad faith), the court can order a number of remedies to enforce the parenting plan.
Remedies available depend on the individual state and focus on compelling compliance for the issue at hand and deterring future disobedience on the same point. Remedies can include:
- Forfeiture of parenting time to provide make-up to the other parent related to withholding the children
- Required reimbursement of costs or losses incurred by the other parent caused by the disobedience
- Remedial actions to correct unauthorized actions (such as returning property of the children improperly withheld, reinstating membership or enrollments for activities of the children improperly terminated)
- Civil penalty (fine)
- Payment of their co-parent’s legal fees related to their noncompliance
- Jail time in the most egregious situations until a parent is willing to comply
Unfortunately, contempt motions don’t always act as a deterrent, and a difficult co-parent can engage in repeated violations. The court’s response may be to increase the severity of the remedies.
If violations continue unabated, a recalcitrant parent can escalate conflict to the point where dramatic modification of the parenting plan or visitation orders may be appropriate. The court expects both parents to comply with its parenting orders, and chronic refusal to do so interferes with the child’s best interests.
A Guardian ad Litem or Parenting Coordinator
In high-conflict cases, such as those that arise from co-parenting with a narcissist, the court may appoint a neutral third party, such as a guardian ad litem (GAL) or parenting coordinator, to advocate on the child’s behalf or to help resolve disputes and follow the parenting plan without court intervention.
A guardian ad litem and parenting coordinator are not the same. A court may bring in a guardian ad litem to assess family dynamics and make recommendations, often in child custody disputes, that judges can consider in their decision-making.
A guardian ad litem’s recommendations are not binding on the court. Still, they carry great weight as they are the result of an in-depth investigation and analysis of the family’s unique circumstances. A guardian ad litem will commonly issue a report for the court upon completion of their evaluation, and they are discharged at the end of the case.
On the other hand, if a parenting coordinator is appointed by the court, they work in an ongoing capacity to facilitate communication between co-parents and help resolve minor conflicts between them after the case (typically a divorce) has ended. Parenting coordinators can also aid in supervised visitation, as discussed next.
In either situation, the fees of a guardian ad litem and a parenting coordinator are the responsibility of the two parents. A Washington family court will order how they must be paid.
Supervised Visitation in Washington
A court may also order supervised visitation, limiting the time a parent spends with their child, which must be in the company of a neutral third party. If professional supervision is ordered, the third party would be a paid parenting coordinator, therapist, or other trained professional who accompanies and monitors the visits between the parent and child in a home environment or at a supervised visitation center.
In limited situations, the third party might also be a lay person, such as a mutually agreeable friend or family member approved by the court. In situations where the parent requiring supervision presents with narcissistic behaviors, professional supervision is preferred. Supervised visitations protect both the child and their other parent from abusive behaviors by the narcissist, such as manipulation, coercive tactics, emotional abuse, and even physical violence.
A Restraining Order
A restraining order can be effective for co-parenting with a narcissist who engages in abusive behavior to gain the upper hand. It provides legal limitations on the narcissist’s freedom to contact you and sometimes your child as well, can restrict the other parent from certain locations, including school, daycare, your workplace, your house of worship, and other locations the court believes you and/or your child could be vulnerable.
If a restraining order only involves you and not your child, custody exchanges are commonly conducted in a neutral location and, possibly under supervision, depending on the type of restraining order a court has issued. Restraining orders may dictate no contact or communication between parents or limited contact, allowing only contact and communication related to parenting matters. This is where communication via a court-approved parenting app can be beneficial.
What the Law Cannot Do When Co-Parenting With a Narcissist
Co-parenting with a narcissist can be frustrating and exhausting, raise fears for your and your child’s safety, and tempt you where you never thought you could be tempted to fight fire with fire. However, your highest chances of prevailing against a difficult or defiant co-parent lie in your willingness to use legal remedies and resources available to you through the court system. There are legal solutions and rights designed to protect you and your child to the extent the law allows, but you must avail yourself of them. Otherwise, it is the same as having no recourse at all.
Unfortunately, the court cannot force a narcissist to be a better parent, act with empathy, or put the needs of the child you share before their own. No matter how many boundaries you set or how many times you call on the court to enforce court orders, you won’t be able to control a narcissist’s temperament. But what you can control is how you respond to their behaviors and the decisions you make.
Find a Seattle Family Law Attorney for Legal Guidance About Co-Parenting With a Narcissist
There’s little that’s easy about co-parenting with a narcissist, but fortunately, there are strategies that can make doing so easier. At Elise Buie Family Law, our experienced legal team is empathetic to the challenges parents face when confronted with a narcissistic co-parent, and we are here to help protect you and your child through the legal means available to you based on your case. Contact us today or schedule a convenient time to speak.
