Take Responsibility for Your Divorce

After many years of practicing Family Law and helping clients navigate divorce, I wrote about the defining principles that make or break my clients’ success. Over the next few weeks, we’ll be diving into each of the five “Success Principles of Divorce” on our blog. Check out this week’s breakdown of Principle #1.


Principle #1: Take Responsibility for Your Divorce


Taking responsibility means accepting blame and sitting with feelings of defeat rather than deflecting. It is easy to think of divorce as a tragedy that is entirely out of your hands: “My ex blew up the marriage.” “She cheated.” “He behaved like a jerk.” It is all so familiar but, of course, not entirely all true. Your ex did play a role in your divorce. But the truth is that you were a player in your divorce, too.  

Until you take responsibility for your own behavior patterns and negative contributions, you will be stuck in the victim mindset. You are not a passive player in your life. 


Deflecting responsibility impedes your ability to achieve success during and after your divorce because this mindset will alter the way you approach your divorce. You may let other people, such as your lawyer, take charge of your divorce. That may easily prolong the divorce process, which would, in turn, hurt you and your children.

You have the power to set the tone of your divorce. This is your opportunity to model the behavior you want to see, be the leader and set an example that your ex will likely follow. The most successful divorces are civil and involve displays of mutual respect even in the most difficult moments.


Your relationship with your ex in the present will set the foundation for your relationship with your ex in the future. It is essential to make sure this foundation is sturdy, built brick by brick with stability instead of strife. The realization that you are responsible for your divorce, not external forces, is essential to setting the foundation for the future you will share with your ex as co-parents. More times than not, your ex will follow your example and return your cooperation with more cooperation. This course will trickle down to your children, who will learn to associate healthy relationships with collaboration.


What you need to realize is that you are, in large part, responsible for your divorce, so you must take the reins and lead. It’s hard to have a particularly “messy” divorce unless both parties contribute to the mess. You know what they say, it takes two to tango, and there’s no area of life where that is truer than in the toxicity that can surround divorce.

STAY UP TO DATE

Subscribe to our newsletters

 
Subscribe to one or more of our newsletters, delivering meaningful insight on topics that matter to you and your family.

FURTHER READING

Latest Blog Posts

Far too many families end up fighting, or at least experiencing tension, over a family inheritance, but it does not have to be that way. Having counseled families for years, we offer the following advice to help your family avoid fighting over your property — while you are here and after you die.

If you are getting divorced, you may be worried about what it will do to your finances. Maybe your finances are heavily intertwined with your spouse’s, or you are worried about what your future will look like, given these changes.…

Establishing paternity and parentage is important for many families and parents. Regardless of why you want to establish paternity and parentage, the process has the potential to be confusing, especially if you are unfamiliar with the terms and rules for…

After divorce, you may find yourself living on one less stream of income than you did when you were married and want to find a way to make up for it. Or even if you didn’t lose any income by…

If you are in the process of getting remarried, a prenuptial agreement may be the last thing on your mind. It should be at the forefront of it, however, as it can be beneficial for you, your spouse, and, if…

As a mom of four (now adult) kids, I remember well the flood of emotions that came each time they went to my ex’s, especially during the early days of my separation and eventually after my divorce. Not only was…

The holidays can look much different during a divorce than they did only a year earlier, and the changes can take some getting used to. The challenge is that you have to start somewhere, and in these “newer” moments, it…

You can use Collaborative Law to support your process of creating and negotiating a prenup with your partner.

In Washington state, if you are involved in a custody dispute, which involves difficult questions related to specific needs for your children or serious parenting deficits (such as mental health, substance abuse, or domestic violence), an evaluation service may be…

Apologizing can be hard, especially if you have a contentious relationship with the person you are apologizing to. If you want to have a polite (even friendly) relationship with your ex in the future, though, owning up to and apologizing…