Are you thinking about getting married? Congratulations! Being married can be one of life’s joys — if you marry someone who embodies certain characteristics and, just as importantly, not others. The latter is what people commonly refer to as red flags. Red flags, judging by how many people get divorced each year and for the reasons they cite, that they may have seen before marriage but ignored.
Before you say “I do,” it is helpful to understand the warning signs that could spell trouble down the road. Ignoring these signs can lead to heartbreak and conflict. However, addressing them early can save you a divorce later. Or, depending on what the red flags are and if you can address them constructively, establish the foundation for building a strong, enduring partnership.
Poor Communication
Poor communication can negatively impact a relationship by creating misunderstandings and leaving important issues unresolved. When partners don’t express their thoughts and emotions clearly, it often leads to incorrect assumptions and misinterpretations.
This breakdown in communication can cause minor disagreements that, over time, escalate into major conflicts, given how resentment builds. The inability to discuss feelings and concerns openly prevents even the most well-meaning couples from addressing problems head-on, causing feelings of disconnect and dissatisfaction to develop.
Common signs of communication breakdown include avoiding difficult conversations and dismissing each other’s feelings. Another sign is when one relationship partner consistently dismisses or invalidates the other’s emotions, making them feel unheard, unvalued, and unloved. As time goes on, these behaviors can create a toxic environment where both partners feel misunderstood and isolated, further straining the relationship and making it difficult to resolve underlying issues.
Unresolved Past Issues and Trauma
Past trauma or unresolved issues can cast a long shadow over a relationship, which manifests as emotional baggage that interferes with intimacy and growth, both as a couple and individually. When people bring old wounds into a partnership, it can lead to distrust, defensiveness, and anger.
These unresolved issues can resurface in times of stress or during conflict, causing overreactions or withdrawal that confuse and hurt their partner. The lingering effects of past traumas keep individuals from fully engaging in the present relationship, making a deep and meaningful connection difficult, if not impossible.
Take, for example, someone who experienced infidelity in a previous relationship. They might struggle with jealousy and trust in a new relationship, even if their current partner has proven they are trustworthy and given no reason to distrust them.
Similarly, unhealed family wounds, such as childhood neglect, abandonment, or abuse, can lead to challenges in forming secure attachments. Yet another example is a person who grew up in a tumultuous household having trouble expressing vulnerability or relying on their partner for support because they fear rejection or disappointment.
Differing Life Goals
Aligning life goals and a shared vision for the future is necessary for a harmonious and fulfilling relationship. When partners have similar aspirations and expectations, they’re more likely to work together to reach common goals, and the struggles the couples face only serve to strengthen their bond and sense of unity.
Conversely, significant differences in life goals can lead to tension and disagreements, as each partner may feel compelled to compromise on their desires. Without a shared vision for the future, couples may argue over critical decisions instead of finding mutually agreeable solutions. Frequent arguments can create a rift that, at some point, may become too difficult to bridge.
Common differences in life goals include differing opinions on having children, how many children to have, when to have them, and where to have them, i.e., near extended family or a distance away to maintain independence. These fundamental differences can create ongoing dissension for a couple and, eventually, cause resentment.
Similarly, disparities in career aspirations can undermine a relationship. For instance, one partner might prioritize a high-powered career that requires extensive travel, while the other values stability and work-life balance.
Another frequent cause for disputes between relationship partners is different opinions over lifestyle choices, such as a preference to live in a city versus a suburb. The same holds for couples with differing religions; they may have trouble agreeing on which religion to observe or raise their children to observe.
Financial Dishonesty and Secrecy
Being dishonest about finances or mismanaging them without your partner’s knowledge can severely damage trust in a relationship, leading to persistent conflict and emotional distress. When one partner is not transparent about their financial situation, it can create a foundation of deceit that may bleed into other areas of the relationship.
Since trust is a cornerstone of any healthy partnership, keeping money secrets or engaging in reckless behavior with money can make one partner feel betrayed and insecure. The lack of financial transparency can cause resentment and feelings of inequality or powerlessness, as one partner may become burdened by the other’s financial mistakes or secrecy.
Examples of financial dishonesty include hiding debts or financial obligations, secretive spending, and not being forthright about attitudes toward saving and spending. If one partner, for example, is frugal and focused on long-term financial security while the other is more inclined to spend indiscriminately without planning, it can lead to arguments, distrust, and relationship discord.
Controlling Behavior
Controlling behavior poses a real danger to a relationship by encroaching on an individual’s autonomy. When one partner seeks to dominate or manipulate the other, it causes an imbalance of power that can stifle personal growth and self-expression and chip away at the victim’s self-esteem.
This toxic dynamic creates an environment where the controlled partner may feel trapped, lacking value, and always living under a microscope. The lack of freedom to make choices in one’s life can lead to a loss of identity and confidence, damaging the equality and trust needed for the relationship to be healthy.
Examples of controlling behavior include excessive jealousy and repeated instances where one partner irrationally suspects and accuses the other of infidelity or inappropriate interactions. Monitoring activities, such as frequently checking on a partner’s whereabouts, communications, and social media interactions, are another sign that can create an atmosphere of distrust and living under surveillance.
Dictating personal choices to a partner, such as what to wear, who to be friends with, or how to spend free time, also exemplifies controlling behavior. These actions not only infringe on a person’s autonomy but also communicate a lack of respect for their ability to make independent decisions. Ultimately, this type of treatment creates resentment and emotional distance.
Distrust
Trust allows partners to feel safe and supported in their relationship. When trust is present, couples can handle challenges and disagreements with confidence, knowing they have each other’s best interests at heart. Without trust, the relationship can easily become emotionally fraught with feelings of suspicion and anxiety. The absence of trust eventually erodes the safety net that exists in healthy relationships, leading to doubt and fear of betrayal that destabilizes the partnership.
Examples of behaviors that indicate a lack of trust include snooping through a partner’s personal belongings and making frequent accusations about a partner’s actions or intentions. These behaviors result in an atmosphere of defensiveness and tension. Secrecy also undermines trust; when a partner withholds information or engages in secretive behavior, it fuels suspicion and anxiety on both sides.
Emotional and Physical Abuse
Any form of abuse, whether it is emotional abuse or physical abuse, is a serious red flag in a relationship and should never be tolerated. Tolerating abuse can lead to a cycle of escalating violence and control, making it increasingly difficult for the victim to break free and seek help. Recognizing and addressing abuse early is critical to protect oneself and prevent further harm.
Clear indications of abuse include verbal insults, threats, whether explicit or implied, and physical harm, such as hitting, slapping, or any other form of violence. Each is an undeniable sign of an abusive relationship and poses an immediate danger to the victim’s emotional and physical safety. Manipulative tactics, such as gaslighting — where the abuser makes the victim doubt their reality or sanity — or isolating the victim from friends and family are other forms of abuse that can have long-lasting psychological effects.
How a Prenuptial Agreement Can Offer Security in a Marriage
A prenuptial agreement (prenup) promotes open communication about expectations and values, enhancing trust and transparency from the start of a relationship. It does so by establishing clear guidelines for handling financial and property matters during the marriage and defining each partner’s financial responsibilities as a spouse.
The agreement can likewise minimize uncertainties and potential disputes by outlining the rules for distributing assets, debts, and property in case of divorce. It can also protect pre-marital assets and family inheritances. It can even go as far as to address spousal support, creating a roadmap for spouses should the marriage end.
Find a Seattle family law attorney to help protect your marriage with a prenup.
Entering into marriage requires not just a commitment but also a leap of faith. That said, you want to be sure that you’re putting your faith into someone who’s deserving of it. Watching for red flags is an effective way to make an informed decision when it comes to who you marry.
Unfortunately, even when the stars align, not every marriage will last. People and circumstances change, potentially impacting a relationship’s longevity, including those situations that start with only green flags. A prenuptial agreement can, however, take some of the guesswork out of making the decision to marry by putting important issues on the table up front and deciding how to resolve them before you and your partner are ever in a position where you have to resolve them.
At Elise Buie Family Law, our team of Seattle family law attorneys recognizes the value and beauty of marriage and how a prenup can protect it. We have extensive experience drafting relationship agreements and can draft a prenup to fit your individual circumstances, giving you peace of mind for whatever the future may hold. Call our Seattle office today or schedule a consultation.
